Detached

Lately I’ve been feeling indifferent, in the need to be constantly in isolation from the world. As if nothing moved me anymore. The guy I’m dating asks me out, and I just don’t feel like answering the phone. My ex, for whom I’ve always had an undeniable attraction, doesn’t transmit me anything anymore, however much he comes after me. At college I feel as if I’m sick of people and I want to be left alone, in peace with myself. Right now I’m blaming the pressure of college exams, but this makes me wonder if I’m finally achieving independence, or something more delicate than that. Maybe I’ve gone numb. I have a physics test next week for engineering school, and the fact that I have to read more than 100 pages, knowing nothing of the subject freaks me out. It makes me feel my only care in the world is that. I’m not talking to my parents, my friends invite me to hang out at night and I won’t, my date wants to see me every day and it’s the same case for him. Even doing gym, eating or taking a bath seems like a complete waste of time. And yet I’m here writing this, which makes me question my sanity. Cause writing this would mean putting a writing that probably nobody will read, in a bigger position than everything else. It might be just a mood swing, but nothing feels worthwhile right now. I have 4 text messages without opening and deep inside I feel I don’t want to know what people want from me. Right now I’d love to be in an island all by myself, in peace. No, really I don’t have a clue where I want to be, I just want to get away from everything. When I was fifteen, I used to have these thoughts, only they came with a bigger depression. And I got to calm these thoughts down by bringing an emotion such as relationships, to do away with this feeling. And it worked, for a while anyway. I can’t believe it’s a Friday night, and all I’m doing is sitting in front of a computer, writing about detachment, at 12:49 am, when I could be studying, sleeping or hanging out with someone. I feel as if I want to do literally nothing. Just sit and stare at the ceiling.